(This is a long-form post. If you'd like to download a pdf ebook, click VisionQuest Day 3 – Steeping)
My morning Intuitive Art question was, “What is my path to consciously reconnect with my feeling nature?”
It rather reminds me of a grasshopper face. The meaning I found in it is to gently sprout up through this spiritual layer (the purple). It’s only a layer, not a ceiling. Relax my way through – it is a portal. Above the cloud is an abundance of goodness waiting to come to focus. Sounds good to me!
Even before coffee, I began journaling a flow of desires using the stem Scout had taught me, “It is not currently the case, and I desire it to be the case that…” The list came out in lots of colors (of course) and lots of areas of life! Health, relationships, spiritual connection, creativity, mental capacity, emotional availability, and even how Guido and I could work together.
As I reviewed it over my coffee, I reflected on things I had desired previously that hadn’t worked out as I had hoped. Business endeavors. Relationships. That whole move to California… And it occurred to me that either desire was a brutal lie, or perhaps the purpose of the desire wasn’t to have it be fulfilled.
Perhaps the purpose of desire is not for having but for getting in motion. Desire is the fuel, the ignition, not the map.
Scout and I decided that this would be a day of integration, perhaps with a trip to the lake later. And hammock time. Definitely that! So after another divine singing bowl session, I wandered out to the copse of trees with my journal.
Rob’s artist studio is open.
And ready for creating!
But I didn’t want to be indoors. So I went out among the oaks.
What gets in the way of Desire? Where do I go astray?
I reflected on those times I didn’t, couldn’t, WILL something to be the way I wanted it. What popped up was the Rist Canyon Fire and my discovery of impotence. I let my belated grief for the habitat and creatures flow out into my journal, growing to include the pain of the Amazon basin being on fire today. That was 2014.
Then there was the election in 2016, when the whole world seemed to backpedal on the advancement I thought was in progress. Again, my pain around so many humans contracting to “me and mine,” short term thinking for a narrow benefit. Exploitation that was never good, even in medieval times, is no longer sustainable.
Pain and sorrow morphing into rage. The emotions flowing indeed!
And behind that, a sense that I was supposed to have solved all this. I was so smart! From those to whom much is give, much is expected. My young child-self had taken it as my obligation, my responsibility, to make the world ALL better. Not just make it better – make it ALL better. And she was convinced she had obviously failed in that, so that’s why her “smart” was taken away during my illness. She would live out her remaining days as a muggle. Useless. Superfluous.
And the realization that the subconscious child who was running that program was delusional. She had to go – so that the true self could emerge. That’s the importance of the collapse – menopause, brain injury, financial, all of it.
Coming to terms with “can’t” and “not mine to do.”
Making space for the one who is awake to the ephemeral “me” and alive for active participation.
The one who sees beyond the social norms. The one who values long term, sustainability, inclusion. The one with compassion and an action bias.
As Scout had said, “Life evolves us.”
In a much larger scheme of things, like the eons in Zion’s rock layers, my desires are one ingredient in a grand co-creation.
My entire intention for this Vision Quest pivoted.
It’s time for me to stop trying to reconstruct an identity, any identity. It’s not about how I plan to show up with “what’s left of my mental and energetic capacity” and who would I be now. It’s about simply BEing the flow. Awareness in Action. (The theme of Art of Adventure if you haven’t read that book yet!)
Which is all very lovely in a journal. But what about building a business? What are the things that *I* want to have as my unique indicators of the success I want to experience, for me and for the world?
And back to the journaling. Fierce new foundations poured out,
new teachings I want to share
and the experience I want within myself while doing that.
Intense work with my Divine Navigation spectrums!
And of course, this is exactly what I really do with my clients… dive into their truest foundations, bring to the surface the gift they are to share, and design a business to create the experience they want for themselves and their clients while doing it!
I’m a wisdom teacher and business is the cushion and the mat.
And with that I snapped my journal shut, gathered all my colored pens, and wandered inside looking for lunch. Because… human!
After lunch, Scout and I played a round of my game PATH. She loved her insights and was immediately inspired to begin inventing a game for her business, too!
Then we went out to the hammocks to continue discussions and stories.
Before our vision board exercise we had talked about the soft inner creature (creatura according to Christina Pinkola Estes). You can see mine on the vision board picture – resting with a smile, but still rather prickly on the outside!
Now Scout and I talked about how that soft inner creature can be protected and included in the choices. Her process is to find something that “works for all of us, including all of us inside me.” I’m building some kind of inner peleton with Creatura and Guido! Loving that team creates an upward spiral of energy around my desires.
Discussion about what business possibilities are on the horizon for each of us.
Free to Love
A beautiful breakthrough happened around feeling free to love my creations, the game PATH in particular just now. I looked at all that was going on when my children were born and small, and how I felt at that time that I “had to” keep my attention on earning, rather than really focus on the children I wanted so much. The tears flowed for what I had missed.
In addition, I’m a natural maker and have a house full of crafting supplies – and lovely finished pieces. So many! So many that it’s hard for me to know which are actually “good” on the outside and which merely reflect the joy of creativity. I can’t even tell any more. So when I invented PATH: A Strategic Transformation Game, I honestly couldn’t tell whether it was valuable to others, or just another fun challenge to make. I’ve gotten great feedback from just about every person who has played, and still… What? And still I’m afraid to love what I love.
OK, declaring that DONE!
I love what I love
and I totally love what PATH is and what it does for people!
I can commit to it and grow it at a pace that suits me. Letting it be a toddler for now, 100 at a time is fine. I don’t need to ship it off to college yet. There’s nothing to prove. And I get to love on me through the game. I don’t need to question any more whether it is good enough – it has always delivered value to people. In fact, I have homework to ask players for evidence – reorders, recommendations, etc.
We talked about some of Scout’s upcoming plans (which I will let her tell you about!) and the importance of allowing ourselves to go off into fantasy for a while before coming back to plans and actions. We sat in the hammocks or on the leaf-strewn ground and chewed on who I’d like to work with and why it matters to me.
This is my kind of wilderness VIP intensive!
I just know I’ll be creating this kind of experience for others!
Clarity, clarity, clarity! I bring a level of insight that creative leaders haven’t allowed anyone else to give them. But if you want a custom tailored suit, you have to start by measuring the inseam. Not only do I see you on multiple levels, I can tune into the emergent future. I make sure that the business that wants to exist and the leader who has the capacity to run it emerge together.
Back into the Cave
Scout suggested I go back out to the cave on my own to integrate all that had come forward.
Within the expanse of the main cave, there was a small side opening.
Just inside, there’s a shelf, where I climbed up and lay belly-to-earth to soak in and ground the new insights.
And when my belly said it was hungry, I went back and we had a picnic style dinner!